HOW TO HANDLE
ADOLESCENTS TODAY
The conflict between
grown-ups and teenagers has always been an age long combat. Over the years,
many parents and loco parents have been wondering if there are any peculiar and
effective ways of handling adolescents that are sure to yield lasting results
in the lives of the youngsters they lead. In times past, youths and adolescents
had very little say in decisions that concerned their lives, from what to eat
to what school to attend and even who to marry! They were handled with canes,
lashes, threats, and punishments if they dared go against the dictates of their
parents and guardians. There were hardly any chance for the youngster to say
what he thinks about any given issue. In cases of conflict between a youngster
and an adult, we were told “the elder is never wrong” even if the adult was
clearly at fault. Some of the offences or things adults then considered
offences were quite ridiculously funny to the extent that one could get beaten
for crying after having been beaten, and receiving more punishment for not
crying after being beaten. Sleeping too early could attract punishment, not
sleeping early could equally attract punishments. Eating in a family member’s
house could attract beatings and more canes, and insults could flow for not
eating what is available when one was hungry. Teenagers who were caught
exploring sexualities were syringed with ginger and pepper concoctions.
Physical and verbal abuses were rampant as forms of deterrence for delinquent
youths, and many other forms of punishments that have become issues of child
right litigations today. It is not gainsaying that some of these hardhanded
approaches to adolescent molding yielded some positive results in times past.
However, in recent times
when it has become difficult for adults to even make decisions for, and even
with the youngsters, there is the need to adopt modern techniques in handling
these youths in an attempt to adapt to the changing trends and cultures. Let us
explore some of the suggestions that could help us wrap our arms around the now
herculean task of youth engagement.
Train up the child the
way he should go, so that when he grows, he will not
depart from it. The adolescent child is a product of their childhood
experiences. In view of this, parents should ensure they introduce their
children to the right experiences of love, care, and understanding before the
child reaches adolescence. Parents who notice stubbornness and self will in the
lives of their children before adolescence should understand they are going to
have difficult time handling such children in adolescence if the necessary
steps are not taken to correct them before they grow. Strike the rod while it
is still hot. It is sad that parents can leave their children at home and go to
church, the child refuses to go to school and the mother just laments and
complains without taking action. Some fathers are not helping issues either
because of loose handedness and irresponsibility. Parents have the
responsibility first to train up their children before any loco parents take
over. Children teachers at church, and school teachers have the next
responsibilities as loco pants after biological parents. Wives should mind
their relations towards their husbands, husbands should mind their relation and
speech towards their wives, especially in the presence of the children because
“out of the mouth of children come words that adults should not have spoken.”
As they get closer to
adolescence, observe to do according to the following:
Build confidentiality and
trust first. Many have opined that in order to deal
with youths effectively, there is the need to listen and listen and listen to
them! But many in this school have forgotten that for decoding to occur, the
other partner has to be ready to encode; otherwise there is nothing to listen
to. How do you get the youngsters to talk to you? They have become excessively
secretive, and protective of their lives. Many are not even ready to sit with
many an adult in the first place. How do you get them to talk? Build confidentiality
and trust. When you first talk, start with a discussion on how a lot of adults
have become broadcasting corporations. They listen to you, intentionally pry
into your issues not because they have any solutions, or intend to solve the
problems but to go and broadcast it around and on the pulpit! This is one major
thing youths detest about adults; leaders and pastors in particular. Then let
them know how you intend to deal with their issues differently. Say it, speak
about confidentiality more often when you are with them, and make sure you do
not betray their trust. This might not take a day or two. It will take a time
of friendliness and harmless giftings and praises to build this trust. If
you are not real about this, they will know with time, and you lose them
forever.
Correct in private,
praise in the open. Doing this tells the youth that you
respect them, and their self worth. This principle is mainly taught to
intending and married couples, but we forget it is a major principle in
adolescent mentorship and grooming. Nobody likes public embarrassment or
upfront confrontations and rebukes. Rebuking youths openly only scares them
away and creates feelings of worthlessness and lasting inferiority complex. If
you observe certain behavioral deviations in dressing, in speech, company, or
any other cultural deviations that are likely to impede the positive
developments of the youth, remember; praise in the open; correct in private.
Listen.
Parents and other youth stakeholders should focus on building friendships,
and listen to their children with an intent of interest and willingness to help
without condemnations and judgement, and lead by example! Encourage them to
talk more after that cordiality is established. Remember no matter how friendly
you are with adolescents, there will be inhibitions against opening up on
certain serious issues. Their friends in school are pestering them with issues
of sex and sexuality, drugs, menstruation, music, Christianity and other
religions, and so many things, and these disturb them honestly. It may take work
for them to admit this but be rest assured, they do. There is the need for a
push and encouragement for them to talk about things that bother them.
Sometimes, postpone the discussion, wake up at dawn and call them to it. Be
sure to ignore irrelevant issues. Let things that have past, that do not have
very grave consequences on the future go, and rather concentrating on showing
understanding, empathy, and forgiveness.
Do not be too conscious
of they respecting you, but build an atmosphere that will make them enjoy that
friendship, but find it difficult to disrespect you.
You can do this by speaking about these things when they are in groups meetings
like church or youth fellowship and cell meetings.
Be genuinely interested
in their progress and well being in life. Instead of just
shouting and condemning their nonserious attitude towards church and spiritual
issues, take time to ask about their academics, about FOOD, about their health,
and other needs. Where possible, get others to help you buy some gifts for
them. Show genuine interest. Sit with them, take a walk, and other things that
aim at reducing tension and shyness between you the adult and the kids.
Control your emotions when
dealing with adolescents. The youth ministry is a ministry of disappointments.
If one of your youths, who you so much trust confesses to you a grave sin he or
she has committed, do you have the mental fortitude to handle it without tantrums?
If one of your youths outrightly disobeys and demeans your authority in the
presence of everybody, will you get angry, or you will be able to hold it for
another day? How you handle that embarrassment will from that day determine the
light in which they see you. Learn to smile things off and laugh even when you
are offended and call the culprit later, assuring him/or her that you
understand what is going on, and that you do not hold anything against them,
then make conscious efforts to pull them closer for that shyness and
embarrassment to be erased for a smooth relation to continue.
Avoid being dictatorial.
When there is mutual respect, young people will find it difficult to say no to
instructions from adults, but where the adult feels an entitlement to be obeyed
at all times by the youth without having a say, it becomes more of a burden and
fear relation to the youth. They will then start plotting how to neutralize
that authoritativeness. Instructions should not come with force, leaving no
options for the youth. Calm down, and come down to the level of the youth, and
allow them the opportunity to have a say in decisions that concern them.
Watch and observe for
change in behavior and depressive tendencies. Depression in the
life of adolescents is more real now than before. Social media and peer
influences have made life very complex, complicated, and difficult for
adolescents. Friends are flaunting their unrealistic properties around, they
see their peers in cars, at beaches, and other entertaining functions. The
pressure to also have what their peers seem to have is mounting every now and
then on young people. This pressure eventually leads to depressive and suicidal
thoughts. If your young people are withdrawing form public gathering and
retreating from what they used to enjoy before, there is a cause for alarm. You
need to draw the attention of other youth workers as soon as possible before
you hear the worst news of your life.
Spare the rod, spoil the
child. Discipline is very important as well as all these
methods. It becomes difficult to cane a child today if they are not your
biological children. Parents should stamp their feet on the ground, and know
when to insist that their children go a certain way, and when to punish their
children appropriately without excesses, and not without wisdom. At certain
points in the life of a recalcitrant child, no loco parent has the authority to
apply force in today’s world, but where the parents are alive, force should be
applied. Or the child could be moved from their biological parents to live with
other people if the child seems to be taking the familiarity with their parents
for granted.
Do not fail in your
parental role. Employ persuasion, employ discipline,
use every legitimate means available to you to ensure that the children God has
given you do not fail in this life.
This write
up is not enough to digest how to preach today. You may invite the writer for
further discussions, workshops, and preaching sessions on this matter and more.
The writer
is a communications strategist, Youth Life and Leadership Coach.
Thank you,
and God bless you.
E.
Yao Agbenyo
Youth
Life and Leadership Coach
Youth
and Future Incorporated
Tema,
Ghana,
West Africa
+233(0)543
556 235
fb.me/eyaoagbenyo
yaoagbenyo.blogspot.com
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